By Jennifer Martin
There’s an empty chair at your holiday table this year, and no amount of extra place settings changes what it means. Grief does not pause for December. Pretending otherwise is what makes the season feel unbearable instead of just hard.
Ordinary grief has bad days you can retreat from. Holiday grief comes with a fixed date on the calendar, a table full of people watching how you handle it, and a memory you cannot postpone the way you could an ordinary hard afternoon. The first Thanksgiving without your person, the first Christmas morning, the first time you hang stockings and count one too few: those are grief firsts, and they hit differently because they cannot be rescheduled.
Here is the permission this article exists to give: skipping a gathering, changing a tradition, or keeping everything exactly the way it’s always been are all normal, healthy choices. There is no wrong way to get through this season while grieving.
If your loved one is still alive, currently on hospice care, and you’re already dreading a holiday season you suspect will be the last one, you’re not imagining that weight. Knowing whether it’s time for hospice care brings its own kind of clarity to a season like this one.
And if the weight of this grief is more than you can carry alone, free, professional bereavement support is available through Community Hospice, whether you lost someone through our care or not.
Why the Holidays Make Grief Louder
An ordinary hard day can wait. You can put off a phone call, skip an errand, or go to bed early and try again tomorrow. Grief during the holidays doesn’t work that way. Thanksgiving lands on a specific Thursday whether you’re ready or not, and Christmas morning arrives on schedule no matter how you’re feeling. There’s no calling in sick to a holiday, and that fixed date is part of what makes this particular grief feel so relentless.
Grief during the holidays often gets louder around grief firsts, the first Thanksgiving or Christmas morning without the person there, when an empty chair at the table turns an abstract loss into something you can see. The ornament you only hang once a year, or a song that plays once and disappears until next December, can knock the wind out of you without warning, a grief burst that has nothing to do with how well you’re coping the rest of the year.
American holiday culture markets this entire season as universally joyful, and grief starts carrying guilt it never should have picked up. If your loss happened recently, maybe even during hospice care itself, this first pass through the holidays may be the hardest one you face. The signs that death is near explains what your family just went through.
6 Ways to Get Through the Holidays While You’re Grieving
Coping with grief during the holidays doesn’t require a plan for the whole season, just a plan for the next hard moment. These six approaches work whether you’re a week into loss or five years in.
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Let yourself feel whatever you actually feel. Sadness one hour, laughter over an old story the next, guilt in between: all of it is normal grieving, not a contradiction. Joy showing up doesn’t mean the grief wasn’t real.
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Decide what to keep, change, or skip, tradition by tradition, not as one big decision about the whole season. Nothing here is permanent. What you skip this year can come back next year if you want it to.
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Plan ahead for the moment you know will be hardest. The toast, the empty stocking, the first gift exchange without them: name it in advance instead of getting ambushed by it. A plan, even a small one, takes some of the power away from that moment.
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Set a boundary before you need it, not in the middle of it. A simple line works: “I’m planning to stay about an hour this year. Thank you for understanding.” Deciding this ahead of time means you’re not negotiating it while you’re already worn down.
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Ask for something specific when people offer to help. “Let me know if you need anything” rarely leads anywhere. Ask someone to bring a dish, pick up your kids from school, or sit with you for an hour instead.
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Be gentle with your body. Grief is physically exhausting. If sleeping through a gathering sounds better than attending it, that’s not a failure. Your body is doing real work.
When Family Wants Things to Feel “Normal”
Some relatives want every tradition kept exactly the way it’s always been, down to the seating chart. Others go the opposite direction and avoid mentioning your person at all, as if not saying the name keeps the day lighter. Keeping every tradition unchanged and avoiding your person’s name entirely are both coping strategies, not prescriptions, and neither one gets to decide how you grieve.
Setting boundaries with family starts before the gathering, not during it. If there’s a topic you can’t handle questions about this year, whether it’s how your loved one died, when you’re “going to be okay,” or anything else, say so ahead of time: “I’d like us to skip questions about ___ this year.” Most people will respect a boundary stated plainly and in advance far more than one enforced mid-conversation.
If children are part of your family gathering, meet their questions with plain, direct language instead of euphemisms.
What You Don’t Have to Do This Year
You don’t have to host. You don’t have to decorate the way you always have. You don’t have to attend every party on the calendar. You don’t have to perform holiday cheer so other people feel comfortable around you.
Saying no to any of this is self-preservation, not a rejection of your family or a betrayal of the person you lost. Self-preservation is allowed during a season that already piles gift-giving, social obligations, and family expectations on top of grief.
If skipping the big gathering this year means you have enough left over to get through the day, skip it. If keeping one small tradition matters more than attending three events, keep the one and skip the three. You get to decide what this year looks like, not the calendar.
Ways to Honor Your Loved One During the Holidays
Honoring a loved one’s memory during the holidays doesn’t require a grand gesture. Small, repeatable rituals tend to mean more than one elaborate one.
Light a candle at the meal and share a memory before eating. Set a place at the table, sometimes with a photo, so their presence is acknowledged instead of avoided. Some families cook their loved one’s signature recipe, even if it comes out a little wrong the first time, or hang a memorial ornament that reflects who they actually were.
A donation or a few hours of volunteering in their name is another way to carry them forward. (If hospice care was part of their story, some families choose to give back to that kind of care; entirely optional, never expected.) Writing them a letter about what you’re grateful for, even one you never share, can put words to feelings that are hard to say out loud.
None of this has to happen every year. You might also designate one specific day, a birthday or an anniversary, as an ongoing ritual that lives outside the holiday season, so the holidays don’t have to carry all of your remembering by themselves.
When Holiday Grief Becomes Something More
Grief during the holidays is hard for almost everyone. The American Psychological Association’s 2023 holiday-stress survey found 89% of U.S. adults feel stressed during this time of year, grief or no grief. Add grief to that mix, and the pressure most people feel for a few weeks can turn into something you’re carrying every day.
Grief and depression can look similar, but they’re not the same thing. Grief tends to move in waves. You can feel gutted one moment and laugh at a memory an hour later. Depression tends to be more constant, a flat, unrelenting weight that doesn’t lift the way grief does.
Watch for warning signs beyond ordinary grief: not being able to function in daily life for weeks at a time, using alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, pulling away from every source of support you have, or thoughts of harming yourself. Any of these is worth a conversation with a professional.
NAMI’s annual holiday mental health survey found that 64% of people managing a diagnosed mental health condition report their symptoms getting worse during the holidays, part of why this season deserves extra attention if grief has already been sitting heavy on you.
There’s also a real, recognized clinical diagnosis for grief that doesn’t ease over time: Prolonged Grief Disorder, added to the DSM-5-TR in 2022 for grief that stays severe and disruptive well past 12 months. It’s not something to self-diagnose from a checklist online, but naming it matters. A professional can help, and a diagnosis means something is treatable, not that something is wrong with you as a person.
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available right now. Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Community Hospice’s Bereavement Support Is Here When You’re Ready
Coping with grief during the holidays can mean setting boundaries with family who want things to feel normal, honoring a loved one’s memory with a candle or a favorite dish, and reaching out for bereavement support when carrying it alone gets to be too much.
You don’t have to figure out grief support on your own. Community Hospice’s bereavement program offers professional, no-cost grief support for anyone who has lost someone, not only families who received hospice care from us.
In 47 years of caring for families across northeast and north central Florida, we’ve walked thousands of people through exactly this season: the first holiday after death, and every one after that. No one is ever denied services through Community Hospice, regardless of their ability to pay.
If you want to see the full range of what’s available before you call, Community Hospice’s grief support services page lays it out in detail. If you’re ready now, the fastest way to get connected is a phone call.
You don’t need the right words ready, and you don’t need to know exactly what kind of help you want before you call. That’s what the first conversation is for. Whether you call today, next week, or three holiday seasons from now, that support will still be there when you’re ready for it.
Grief During the Holidays: Common Questions
Is it okay to skip holiday gatherings when you’re grieving?
Yes. If a full holiday schedule is more than you can manage, skipping a gathering, leaving early, or handing off hosting duties is a healthy choice, not a failure. This year’s choice doesn’t have to be permanent.
How do you honor a loved one during the holidays?
Many families light a candle and share a memory at the meal, cook a favorite recipe, or hang an ornament that reflects who the person was. There’s no single right way, and trying something new one year doesn’t rule out an old tradition the next.
How do you handle the first Christmas (or first holiday) after a death?
Identify the grief first you’re dreading most, whether that’s a toast, an empty seat, or the first gift exchange, and plan for it in advance instead of being ambushed by it. The first holiday season also isn’t necessarily the hardest one forever; for some people, a later year around a specific milestone is harder, and that’s normal too.
What do you say when people keep asking how you’re doing during the holidays?
You don’t owe anyone a detailed answer. A short response like “I’m taking it day by day, thank you for asking” is a complete answer on its own, and you’re allowed to change the subject right after.
When does holiday grief become something you need professional help for?
If grief feels constant instead of coming in waves, if you’re pulling away from everyone who could support you, using alcohol or drugs to cope, or thinking about harming yourself, talk to a professional. If you’re in crisis right now, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available anytime by call or text.
Does grief really move through five predictable stages?
No. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross created the five-stages model to describe dying patients facing their own death, not grieving family members, and she later said it was never meant as a fixed sequence. Real grief moves back and forth, not in order.
Are there grief support groups available during the holidays?
Yes. Community Hospice’s grief support groups meet during the day and evening year-round, led by professional grief counselors, not volunteers. Select services are open to anyone in the community who has recently lost someone, hospice patient or not, and the complete list of services covers everything available.
How do I help my children cope with grief during the holidays?
Use plain, age-appropriate language instead of euphemisms, and let your child’s questions guide how much detail you share. Keeping some routine in place while still making room for the person’s memory tends to help more than ignoring the loss or overhauling every tradition at once.
Jennifer Martin
As the director of psychosocial, bereavement & community grief at Community Hospice & Palliative Care, Jennifer oversees a department of social work staff, bereavement counselors, music therapy and child life services. She represents the social work, counseling, music therapy and child life disciplines on varying committees, task forces, and policy groups, ensuring the highest quality care for the patients and families of northeast Florida. Jennifer is a licensed clinical social worker, qualified clinical supervisor, and is certified as an advanced social work case manager and advanced hospice and palliative social worker. She earned her Bachelor of Science in social work and a Master of Social Work from Florida State University. Jennifer has been employed with Community Hospice & Palliative Care since 2004. Prior work experiences include working as a social work case manager for the US Navy (contractor), working in an outpatient dialysis clinic setting, skilled and long-term care settings, and acute hospital settings across many clinical specialties.